A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
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I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.