Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
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If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.