5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
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#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Time for evil
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
the official breakfast of 2021