Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
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Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Favourite diary entry ever
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir