Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
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The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.