Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

[montage of me giving-up]

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

Hamburger Hinderer.

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42