Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

unbelievably distressed by this ad

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.