Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
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met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit