Duolingo getting serious.
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Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
My current situation
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
You sure about that?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
guys i’ve cracked the code
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic