oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
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The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.