Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
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me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My sex drive has a dui
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.