Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

*seductively eats two tums*

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”