Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
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[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
*skinny dips into black hole
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
He’s cranky this morning
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.