Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
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Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
“That’s what” – She
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
giddy up Office Depot
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?