What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
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Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.