With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
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My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
me irl
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.