Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
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Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
first you must answer his riddles
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Oh boy, $150,000!
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Beware of fowl play.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying