I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
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I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.