Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
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She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
hmm conte-me mais
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.