there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
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Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Love this guy
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.