You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
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Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
never deleting this app.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
See..?
.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?