obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two - @UncleDuke1969

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

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