@UncleDuke1969

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

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@ericsshadow

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

@LindaInDisguise

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

@PJTLynch

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

@david8hughes

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

@DamonHunzeker

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

@MNateShyamalan

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

@longwall26

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me