Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
You Might Also Like
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.