If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
You Might Also Like
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
buying dead houseplants to save time
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Hot Panini is in big trouble
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please