@DadandBuried

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)

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@MrGeorgeWallace

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

@envydatropic

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

@thenoahkinsey

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

@GrabTheWEness

Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.

@BeagirlNJ

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

@DartsBofficial

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

@RodLacroix

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

@PaperWash

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?