Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)

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Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.


How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows


*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*


Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.


Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food



“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”


If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.


[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?