Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
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If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
tis the season
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.