Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
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The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.