My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
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My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?