You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
oh you like architecture? name three walls
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat