I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
You Might Also Like
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.