What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
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Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.