Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
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It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Thursday
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again