@lynnbixenspan I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
@Amusitr0n It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
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@lynnbixenspan 
@KyleMcDowell86 *police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
@IamEveryDayPpl I found your tweet-up…
@JeffSarcastic *sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
@campfireburning Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
@envydatropic My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
@TheBigBatman Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
@junejuly12 No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
@notfaizzy Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
@thatdutchperson [does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.