It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

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I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?


*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*


*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go


Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.


My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?


Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.


No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.


Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.


[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.