@Amusitr0n

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

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@lynnbixenspan

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

@KyleMcDowell86

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

@JeffSarcastic

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

@campfireburning

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

@envydatropic

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

@TheBigBatman

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

@junejuly12

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

@notfaizzy

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

@thatdutchperson

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.