The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
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My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Danger is very dangerous
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
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[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.