Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
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say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.