*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
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I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe