Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
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well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.