@MissSassy_Pants

Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.

Me: Yup!

Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.

Officiant: Do you take this man?

Me: I do!

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@stewnami

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

@clichedout

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

@StruggleDisplay

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

@MissHavisham

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

@KojisRevenge

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

@AndyAsAdjective

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

@slaughthie

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

@clichedout

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

@ElitatheLibra

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe