Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
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Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
He’s dead