some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
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if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I got bills
They鈥檙e multiplying
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Best mom ever 馃槀
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I鈥檓 pretty smart – unless it鈥檚 turning on the right burner on the stove
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.