There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
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Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
reminder
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice