MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict