Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
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I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.