I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
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*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
#oldknees
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.