They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
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Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Go girl power!
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what