My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
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Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?