comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
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My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.