comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
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We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
⛄️
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah