sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
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How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.