Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
You Might Also Like
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
#Thanos #MondayMood
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.