Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
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Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.