[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
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How long do you have to wait between naps?
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Unimpressed
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.