I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
You Might Also Like
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.