You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
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BaD BoY!!
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Watson was Holmes schooled
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”