You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
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I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that