(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
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If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer