(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
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*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail