(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
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You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
These are my roll models.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.