Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.